“It doesn’t matter to me
I tell myself repeatedly
What a nightmare it seemed
To honestly think anything
I won’t leave indentions of me
I won’t leave intentionally” – Manchester Orchestra
The above encapsulates how I really felt during the worst of my depression. I wanted all these horrible thoughts (I wasn’t even sure what they were anymore) to leave. I wanted to “reset”. How I wanted to reset, was the messed up part. I didn’t want to “leave intentionally”, but I knew when someone said “see you on Monday” I might not be around.
I’d smile and leave my friends and drive straight to A&E. Or I would spend an evening on the phone to the Samaritans being talked down from whatever state I’d worked myself into.
If you are going through this, then there is help. You can walk into A&E and talk to someone. You can call your GP and see them every week if you can’t get a therapist.
The most important thing I learnt from this, is to always be kind, because you have absolutely no idea what is going on in a persons head. Also, the petty bullshit you deal with on a day to day basis… Does it really fucking matter?
“There’s a ghost and it knows what I know.
So I let it go, there’s no ghost, there’s no ghost” – Manchester Orchestra
After all this, I have learnt to let go (most, always working on it) of my anxieties. Like the rings I wear on my finger. I try to get through life with some “grace”, and I always have a “choice” in what I can do/how I act. No one can “make me feel” a certain way. I choose how I feel and react. That’s the best piece of advice I’ve ever had.