Toothpaste Kisses

“We need to become aware of how many messages we internalise” – Krista Tippett

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How many times do we think to ourselves:

  • Play it cool
  • It’s just a play for control
  • Don’t let him know that you like him
  • Don’t text back straight away

It’s exhausting to internalise this monologue, and appear totally perfect on the outside. It feels like some sort of magic trick. I’m astonished at those that manage to make it through unscathed. Some fail to pull a rabbit out of a hat, with everyone watching. Pity and self deprecation looks on. “If only I ….” follows.

After all, it’s easy to get those first few kisses. The pinnacle moment is reaching those tooth paste kisses. Knowing something real, something true. Those interactions with people are what I live for. I’d unwittingly follow someone into the dark for.

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Until someone loves you to the point that you deserve. Then you should love yourself even more to make up for it. Go be that fucking awesome girl boss, go be that artist, blogger, runner, coach because that will fill you more than anyone who doesn’t treat you the way they should.

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Spring Cleaning

I used to think I should be this person that is smiley and happy 24/7 because; ‘I have overcome depression and anxiety”. The truth is every birthday, and every time it’s sunny it triggers my depression. Everyone else is wanting to be outside with other people, and I feel ashamed that I just want to be home alone.

I watch people live out their happy relationships through a window. I’ve been so alone for such a long period of time, I feel hollow, and void of connection. I sometimes feel stuck there, people watching, and thinking of all the parts inside of me that other people wouldn’t want to love. They steal my hope, my belief of true happiness.

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I know I’m meant to live outside the window with the happy people. Sometimes I’m there, I’m home. But then something triggers it, and then I trip and stumble and darkness drags me down. Then comes fear and doubt that I will never get back up. However, I have touched heaven. I have been in hell.

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I am now in darkness for only a few days here and there. I find a way to bring light into my life where I can:

  • The flowers I look at when I wake up remind me of the beauty in the world.
  • The circle of people I surround myself with remind me that I am loved.
  • I write in my journal to understand the facts of my emotions.
  • I ask myself cognitive questions e.g. “What is true now?”

The most important thing I’ve learnt is to not beat myself up when I’m feeling down. The quote below puts it across perfectly:

“When you do feel the dark coming, spend time to restore yourself. With love and not with frustration. Through time, the dark will come to us less often. Even when it does come, it shouldn’t be seen as a failure, but as a challenge to overcome and make us stronger. ” Sarah Blondin