Help I’m Alive

We got taught when we were younger that there are two spectrums of emotions. Happiness and sadness, or if you like…

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As aptly as Donnie Darko put it. I quickly realised that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Other social aspects that seemed alien to me at one point soon became more part of life.

For instance, how can a person hurt themselves on purpose? It feels like a taboo subject still. Yet, it happens all the time. Trust me…

People think that you take the pain out on your body so that they can see that it’s killing you, bit by bit. For me, and for a lot of people that couldn’t be further from the truth. The pure emotion that circles round, and round in my brain makes me forget the time. Forget who I am. Forget my purpose of living. I just want something else to focus on so badly. I want to see that pain in front of me. I want to watch it heal in front of my eyes. Sometimes it’s a tattoo that bookmarks a story of my past, or a piercing that I can focus on for a few weeks.

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What I have learnt (am still learning) is to accept my own flaws, and that I’m good enough. I don’t have to be perfect, and I don’t have to punish myself when I’m not. I live with the ambivalence of myself. In the words of Esther Perel: it has grown/will grow on me slowly, physically, emotionally through the years.

 

2 thoughts on “Help I’m Alive

  1. I was trying to get back to respond to this sooner. I loved the movie Donnie Darko. I think they did a great job at showing the complexity of people with a mental health disorder. We are not solely 1 emotion or feeling. We are on a sliding scale, a set of sliding scales, all the time. I can be happy with one thing but also be extremely depressed with something else, all while looking like I am angry or sad or content. From therapy, I learned that the best way to get through the complexity is to let it happen. Allow myself to be open and receptive to whatever it is I am feeling and let it pass in it’s own time. I have been cutting for 17 years now. I was always afraid to get help so I bottled up all my emotions and pretended to never feel anything other than what others wanted to see. It ate me alive and the only way I knew how to release those feelings was through self-harm. It was like letting a tiny bit of steam off but it would just close back up and continue to build. Opening up on my own blog has allowed me to take the cap off. To let it all pour out. And I have been able to feel relieved. Happy. Empty but in a way that assures me that I am able to refill with things I love and cherish. All we can do is our best every day. If we see someone else struggling, we can make an effort to reach out and make a connection, ignore them and go on with our own life, or ridicule them. I am choosing to reach out to those I meet now. I can’t ignore anymore.

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